


Fools

by RBCQ



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Angst, alcohol tw, domestic abuse tw, drugs tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-25
Updated: 2016-10-25
Packaged: 2018-08-24 13:29:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8373967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RBCQ/pseuds/RBCQ
Summary: Only fools fall for you...





	

**Author's Note:**

> this is a work of fiction based vaguely on real events. this is not meant to be an accurate depiction of real relationships or people. please be aware of the trigger warnings listed in the tags before reading. (this was written for the AQ fic challenge ages ago, I apparently never posted it here though)

The Haus of Haunt was Alaska's life. She was used to being on stage with Sharon, she was used to the screaming, drunk, high audience pushing and pulling her. She was used to being harassed and booed, she was used to making only a few dollars in an entire night because the crowd decided that she and Sharon weren't good enough entertainment. She was used to doing lines in grimy bathrooms and downing drink after drink, night after night, because when your life wasn't even worth shit on the bottom of the world's shoe, what else were you supposed to do?

 

_I am tired of this place, I hope people change_

_I need time to replace what I gave away_

_And my hopes, they are high, I must keep them small_

_Though I try to resist, I still want it all_

 

Alaska was used to chaos. There were some days where she had to choose between buying food and paying the bills, and some days where she couldn't do either because she and Sharon had spent all their money on booze and drugs the night before. Sometimes she thought about what her life would be like if she hadn't fallen into this hellhole of performing six nights a week just to stay alive, if she hadn't gotten sucked into this terrible, twisted party that never seemed to stop. Sometimes Alaska wondered what life would be like without having to tie herself into a corset every night and paint her face beyond recognition. Of course, she could _never_ give up drag or the Haus of Haunt, but sometimes, when she watched the sun rise from the back of a cab as they made their way home, the drugs and alcohol starting to wear off, she wondered what it was like to be normal.

 

_I see swimming pools and living rooms and aeroplanes_

_I see a little house on the hill and children's names_

_I see quiet nights poured over ice and Tanqueray_

_But everything is shattering and it's my mistake_

 

She and Sharon were fighting again. The screaming had finally stopped, a beer bottle lying shattered across their kitchen floor, and now there was a cold rift of silence between them. Alaska would sleep on the couch again tonight, Sharon already passed out drunk on the floor of their bedroom. With silent resignation, she stole a blanket and a pillow from where she kept them in the closet, far too used to nights like this to do anything else. It was cold - a window was open, letting in the chilly October air, but Alaska didn't have the energy to close it. Empty was the perfect word to describe how she felt - empty and emotionless, void of anything but exhaustion. Void of happiness, voice of peace or calmness. Void of love. She and Sharon weren't in love anymore, and somewhere deep down, she knew that. But she tried to convince herself that the bottles that were hurled at her and the punches she had to dodge were little "I love you"s, and she tried to convince herself that every shrieked curse she hurled back at Sharon was an "I love you, too". They were broken, and Alaska knew that, but she didn't want to admit it, because that meant taking everything she knew, as broken as it was, and turning it on its head. Alaska pulled the thing blanket over herself and curled into a ball, closing her eyes and trying to ignore the shivers that wracked her body.

 

_Only fools fall for you, only fools_

_Only fools do what I do, only fools fall_

 

As much as they fought, Alaska loved Sharon. She loved her most when they were on stage together, the electricity of the show and the crowd fueling them to dance, to move, to do things only the Haus of Haunt would do. Alaska loved every second they spent in clubs and bars, drinking and smoking and snorting, dancing and shouting. But the sun inevitably rose and the crowds left the dark dancefloors, and Sharon and Alaska had to go back home to their cluttered, too-small apartment where another argument would start. Sometimes Sharon started it, sometimes Alaska did, but the one thing that could be guaranteed was that before they went to sleep, they would argue about something. It didn't always end badly - sometimes, it was a tiny argument that was forgotten the second their lips met again, but sometimes (more often than not, a tiny voice in the back of Alaska's head whispered), it was a huge figh, insults flying back and forth like bullets, stinging more than the bruises from fights past and present. But she _loved_ Sharon, and she didn't want to let go. Alaska didn't want to lose everything she and Sharon had built for themselves, the "spooky" legacy of the Haus and the crazy things only _they_ did on stage. They were a pair. Sharon and Alaska _were_ the Haus of Haunt, and if they broke up, everything they had made would disappear. So, she stayed. She stayed and they fought, she stayed and they drank themselves stupid every night, she stayed and they did drugs together until they couldn't even remember who they were, she stayed and watched them crumble from the inside out. 

 

_Oh, our lives don't collide, I'm aware of this_

_The differences and impulses and your obsession with_

_The little things, you like stick, and I like aerosol_

_I don't give a fuck, I'm not giving up, I still want it all_

 

There was no denying that they were about to hit a breaking point. Alaska had gotten too good at hiding bruises with makeup, too good at lying to her friends and saying she had fallen while performing, and Sharon had gotten too good at exactly the same thing. Sharon's aim had gotten better, but so had Alaska's, and they both tried to tell themselves the broken bottles that littered the floor when they woke up in separate rooms again were just accidents - but the cuts on their arms and faces didn't lie. 

 

_Only fools fall for you, only fools_

 

Alaska drowned her feelings in vodka and tequila, and when some stranger offered her coke in the bathroom of a bar, she didn't hesitate to say yes. It made her feel better, it made her head spin and her heart pound, but the real purpose was the fact that it made her forget. For a while, she could forget about every fight she and Sharon had, she could forget about the cursing and screaming and thrown bottles and cans, she could forget about the nights she spent on the couch and the mornings spent hiding in the bathroom because she was too afraid of herself to face the fresh bruises on her boyfriend's face, too afraid of the mirror to look at the fresh bruises on her own face.

 

_Only fools do I what I do, only fools fall_

 

The door slammed behind her, a gunshot in the silence of the December night. Snow was falling softly, a mockery of peacefulness and a juxtaposition of the mess that was Alaska's head. She was walking. She didn't know where, but all she knew was that she had to get away. Blood dripped down her face - from her nose or another cut, she didn't know, she didn't care. The snow melted on her head, her shoulders; her entire body was shaking with chills - all she had on was a t-shirt and sweatpants. Her feet were beyond frozen, flip-flops doing nothing to protect her from the snow that coated the world. She walked and walked, too afraid to turn around, her heart pounding in her ears and Sharon's cold, empty face hovering in the air in front of her. There was nothing left in her, not even a tear. Alaska was empty and broken, and the further her frozen feet took her from her home and who she wished she could call her boyfriend but she knew she couldn't after tonight, the more and more desolate she felt.

 

_Only fools fall for you_

 

They didn't talk anymore. Alaska numbed herself with alcohol and drugs, and told herself she was okay.

 

_Only fools do what I do_

 

She wasn't okay.

 

_Only fools fall..._

 


End file.
